Welcome back to another episode of "My Three Ring Circus" or "Adventures in Property Management."
This month has been the most active month on this particular street for a while now.
I was down at the properties on the third of this month, hustling to get as much rents as possible before they blew it on booze, drugs and fireworks. While standing out in the parking lot of one of the buildings I was chatting to one of my tenants and we were laughing about this and that, this vehicle pulls up and 2 individuals (who look very out of place for this part of town) are sitting in their vehicle waiting on someone. Then they obviously see who they are looking for and one gets out of the vehicle goes over to a guy pulls out money the other guy pulls out a lovely small white package wrapped in plastic wrap. Both items exchange hands and the other dude gets in his truck and leave. I shook my head and rolled my eyes thinking, "Its another day in paradise."
The tenant I was talking to had her back to the entire incident and didn't see anything. So after the incident was completed I looked at her and asked her if she knew who one of the individuals involved with this "perfect example of free enterprise and capitalism". She said she didn't know his name but knew where he lived and asked why I was asking. I said, "Because he just did a drug deal right on your lawn there in front of your kids." She pointed at the guy and asked, "That one right ther?" I nodded my head and the next thing I know, she starts taking off strutting her ass across the street while yelling, " OH HELL NO!" She then proceeds to take off her flip flop and beat the shit out of this guy. With every swing she says, "You. (whack) stupid (whack) mother (whack) fucker (whack) doing (whack) that (whack) in front of (whack) my kids (whack) you should be ashamed of yourself...get the fuck on." The man is screaming like a little girl and takes of running down the street. Of course I am doubled over laughing my ass off. It was like a scene out of Friday. I know that some of you are thinking, "OMG you are laughing at someone getting the shit kicked out of them because of drugs...why didn't you call the police...blah blah blah." Thats easy...they will send a unit about 20 minutes after you call or I LOVE IT when they transfer you to narcotics and you leave a message because there is never anyone there to answer your phone call. Its a one man battle and its just me.
Another lovely day I was sitting on the front porch of one of the apartments talking to another one of my tenants. We were drinking coffee and shooting the shit about this and that. I hear this reeeeeeerrrrr reeeeeeerrrr and I look left and right up and down the street. And I see this woman with a cat on a leash dragging it down the street. Now I continue with my conversation with my tenant not thinking much about it because this place is border line INSANE. She gets a bit closer and by that time my tenant has noticed this woman and we have just paused mid conversation to watch this woman. Her hair is stringy and nasty with an ashen face and her clothes of course didn't match. I have never met an insane individual who had any color coordination skills ever. That poor cat is being dragged behind her yelling REEEEERRR REEEEEERRR and finally the cat has said , "Ta hell with this." and firmly digs his back feet into the ground. The lady tugs and tugs on the leash and the cat just growls. She turns around and bends down towards that cat. Points her finger in its face and yells, " I TOLD YOU TO HEEL DAMN YA!" Then calmy turns around and continues to drag this poor cat up the street. Now both of my eyebrows are arched as high as they can go, eyes are like saucers, mouth totally agape. I turn to my tenant and say, " Who in the hell is that?" He looks dead at me with this faint hint of a grin that is the type so infectious that you find yourself grinning as well and says, "Ya know that ole boy who was shot by the po-leece awhile back?" I said, "Well yeah, but what does that have to do with this." He grins even bigger and says, "Well...thats the sister he stabbed." Well I laughed a little and said, "Oh so the whole damn family ain't right, huh?" He takes a big drink of his coffee and says, "Nope."
This week...the insanity continues. Between one tenant calling me 22 times in one day to say, "My electric is off." or calls a minute later and says, "Oh never mind, its back on." Then "Now its back off again." Another one leaving a horrid message about how her effing air isnt effing working and when the eff is it gonna be fixed and get effing over here effing now. She leaves this inspirational message on the wrong owner's phone. So I call her and tell her that Number 1 you called the wrong person, 2 don't use language like that to anyone. 3 your air conditioner was ordered last Friday. 4 I cannot control space and time to make it get here any sooner. 5 I cannot alter the tilt of the earth on its axis to make it any fucking cooler. 6 if you can't handle the fact that I am not god and I have no control then move the fuck out and take your crack head party with you. Have a great day...Click.
Then to put icing on the cake....Again I am standing in one of the parking lots chatting with one of the tenants. This guy comes up to me with a joint in his mouth and says, "Hey baby...you gotta light? I need to get my smoke on and there is nothin worse than a joint with no light." I busted out laughing in his face and took my phone out and asked if I could take a photo of him and he said sure so just as I was getting ready to take his photo...some other guy busts out of an apartment runs up to this him, smacks the joint from his lips and before the guy can retaliate, the one who smacked him said, "Dumbass do you know who that is?" and points to me. The toker says, "Nah man, I was just getting a light." The smackin dude says, "Thats the landlord fool." He looks at me and I just grin and say, "Yep thats true so why don't you take that shit and get the hell out of here before I have you thrown in jail." He appologizes profusely and runs away. That is a prime example the age old question....bravery or stupidity???
Its an uphill battle with little to no allies. Its hard being the Queen...LOL.
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