This is the letter I sent my USMC brother today, who is current in Iraq on his third tour, explaining the events I was a witness to this afternoon, via Motomail. Its an online thing that lets you type a letter to him and they print it off and get it to him within 24 hours. This involves my wonderful grandparents...who I absolutely adore. You have to understand that my grandma has been a housewife most of her life and practically believes anything she sees on TV. My grandpa is a retired Marine 1stSgt and is as rough as they come. Anyway please enjoy....
Dear Kenny and the peeps that print this off,
This is the tale of the $17,584 bath tub. Today I was out at Granny and Pa's. They were watching Sean for me while I went to the doctor. Well while I was out there Granny said that she needed to clean up the house real quick because this guy was coming. I asked her what guy and Pa replies, "Some man that is gonna try to sell us one of those bath tubs with the door in it that has the jets and all." I said oh ok. Well low and behold here comes this really really shitty car. I mean its all ghettoed out. It pulls up and out steps this dude. This dude weighs at least 300lbs. He is wearing Bermuda shorts that are at their maximum weight limit and a Hawaiian shirt. Already I am thinking...THIS IS A SCAM right. Well he comes up on the porch and introduces himself and asks Granny if she has her brochure they sent her in the mail. Well of course Granny cant find it. So fat bastard has to go back to his car and get another one. Ole dude was huffing and puffing so much I thought, "If he has a heart attack here on the damn porch, there is NO WAY in hell I am giving him CPR." So he goes to the bathroom and measures and comes back and points to one of the tubs in the brochure and says that..this is the one that he thinks is best suited for the house. Granny immediately exclaims that OHHH thats a nice one. He says, "Yes we have it built and shipped from Europe and have it installed." Well I am sitting there enjoying my coffee. Granny says, "Ok how much are we talking about here." He says, "Well that model, taxes, shipping and installation all comes to $17,584." Well I choke on my coffee and almost have it coming out of my nose. Pa gives me that what the hell look he gives. So of course Granny says that there is no way they can afford that. But oh wait...theres more!! He tells them that they can finance it on a 15yr signature loan and that it will only be something like $123 a month. Well Pa is totally disgusted and basically turned his brain off at this point. I can see the wheels in Grannys head turning. So before she gives this shady fat bastard her social security number I say, "So you mean to tell me that when my grandpa is 90 years old this will be paid off? So what happens if they decide to move?" He replies, "Well thats beauty of it. They can take it with them." Hell I thought...I will have to bury them in it. So the dude continues on how this will ensure the fact that they will never have to go to a nursing home because this thing will be here. He asks Pa if he wants to be a burden to his granddaughter and points to me. Pa looks him dead in eye and says, "Your god damn right I do." Well I am almost on the verge of bursting out laughing and I have to get up and go into the house. In the meantime Granny is telling him our whole fucking family history. About how you are where you are and doing what you do and how I met my husband and blah bloah blah and that mom owns the house and charges them rent and so on and so on. He asks Granny what those filter things are on her cigarettes and she explains to him what they do. She tells him that she just cleans them out and uses them again. I chuckled to myself and thought, "Yeah she sits them in an empty garlic powder shaker and cleans them in Windex and she is concerned about the fucking chemicals in the cigarette doing her harm." I think...shut the hell up and make the idiot leave. So Pa comes to the rescue. He says, "Wanda that man doesnt want to hear this shit." I take this as my queue to come back out on the porch. Well I have a brace on my knee and the man looks at my brace and says, "Ya hurt ya knee?" You know, it was one of those here's your sign moments. The thought running through my head is, "Nope...just looks good with these shoes." But I told him yeah I did. So anyways dude finally gets the hint and leaves. However, he sits in his car for like 30 minutes out there in the driveway. Pa comes out on the porch and I say, "Look Pa that guy is still there." Now dude has his window down and everything...and well you know Pa...he says, "What the hell else does that idiot want?" I said SHHHH sound carries. But that old Marine in him just wont die. Finally he left. I looked at Pa and said, "For $17,000...it better give one hell of a blow job too." Pa smacked me on the arm and said, "Jessie Lynn!" Then he laughed and said, "Hell I have to agree with ya."
I thought you would totally enjoy that story. I have sat here and laughed my ass off typing this letter to you reliving the whole thing. I told mom about it on the phone and she couldnt stop laughing. Ed told Pa that if he wanted one of those so bad he would get him a 55 gallon drum and pull him around in the yard to give him that spa type feeling.
I snail mailed you a letter as well and it isnt near as entertaining as this one. Stay tuned for more episodes of Jessica's life. LOL!
I love you very much and please stay as bored as humanly possible. Stay safe...come home. I will see you soon!!!
Love,
Jess
Jess
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